Kim & the Bump

"The life of a first time mum from bump to baby and beyond"

 

A Shower of Friends

Rosie’s baby shower today... what a special day. Had it at the flat. All the gang came round... Roanna and Sonny (still the Super Sleeper), Jasmin and the Princess Amber... Dianne and the twins... Vicky and Big, Bouncing Ben and Rosie of course with the Delightful and Delectable Dinah. Rosie loved it... think it gave her a chance to concentrate on the baby to come for the first time...  instead of the baby that is. She got loads of presents - beautiful teeny tiny baby grows that make you realise how massive ours are now. It’s crawling madness, when we all get together... 9 months has to be the best age ever. They’re all big bouncing babies with oodles of fat on their thighs and smiles that light up the room... our babies... our big gorgeous babies... haven’t we done well... just think what we’ve all gone through... together... and on our own... and... here we are on the eve of the next big chapter of our lives... for some... a new job... for others... back to work... for others... a family again... and... for others...  a new baby... how exciting... can’t wait!!

In The Club Series Two on BBC ONE Tuesday 3rd May 

In The Club Series Two on BBC ONE Tuesday 3rd May 

Dad’s Drink  

The Dads are taking Jude out tonight - there’s Dev, Simon and Neil of course... the Dad taking the Dad out... Neil was on a high again... he’s so proud of Jude... they were starting off at Dev’s uncle’s restaurant for a curry because Dev couldn’t get off work until 9 because they’re so busy...  they didn’t want to start without him... glad they all get on so well... our big day later this week...  

Emergency

God... what an awful night... spent it in A & E with Emily... rushed her in at 11pm last night... went to feed her and noticed that she was burning... called Neil and he rang 999 and before we knew it we were being rushed through the streets of Leeds with the blue light and siren to the hospital... my heart was pounding and we couldn’t even look at each other... that was the worst thing... in case we could tell what each other was thinking... Emily just slept... red hot. Got her there and you know it’s serious when they rush you straight through and people don’t mind... anyway before I panic you all... turns out she was fine... after taking us up to a ward... and a few hours of Hell... turns out it was just some mystery 12 hour virus... it happens!

 

Wow... it’s in moments like those that you realise how frightening being a parent is because there is nothing in the world that you won’t do for your baby... they are the most precious thing in your life and nothing else has any importance... it’s terrifying to know that you love somebody that much... I do... we do... 

 

She’s fine now... you wouldn’t guess that anything had happened unless you look at the pair of us... we’re knackered... and... traumatised... and thankful... Thank God!! 

Baby Shower

Been busy organising a baby shower for Rosie... where does that come from? Must be an American import - sure we didn’t used to have them...  a new invention. I had one before I left work on maternity leave... made me terrified that something would go wrong... but... then that’s me... Miss Paranoid. I’m looking forward to this one... will be a good chance for us all to get together. 

Laughter

Did you know that a baby laughs more than 40 times MORE than an adult... and it just gradually diminishes, the older they get. Probably didn’t know it but you would if you watched a baby for a few hours... and...  an adult.??? Babies are incontinent too... maybe if grown ups wore nappies too, they would laugh more... guess not. 

Baby Einstein

It’s official - Emily is clearly a genius!! I am certain that she said her first word today - at 11.11 to be precise...  MOMA... OF COURSE!!... Neil does not believe me... such a doubter... would have been different if she’d said DADA. He’s got the camera ready now for her to do it again... well... that’s the kiss of death... isn’t it?... Won’t be saying that again... that’s my excuse anyway... can say she was a genius until it was knocked on the head by her paparazzi father... this is when she doesn’t speak again until she’s eight!! 

One Direction Eat Your Heart Out

From very sorry beginnings...  the Babies and Mummies... and...  (not forgetting One very SEXY Daddy)... music group has made great progress - they are even starting to make music... today... Emily grabbed hold of a tambourine and sort of started to bang it... she did chew it a bit too... Sonny had the maracas and banged them in time to the music on Zack’s head... and... Dinah threw some bells at Ben... but it did make a good sound... could catch on...  It was Roanna who flirted this time with Richard... she’s terrible... talk about making it obvious... oblivious to the rest of us... I can see how she got Simon now... had him eating out of her hand... apparently he’s a cartoonist - works from home for some national newspapers... his partner... is some superhead... runs three academies...  bet he doesn’t see much of...  HIM...  HAHAHAHA GAY DADS - all that flirting for nothing girls...  Although for once my ‘gaydar' failed me... 

#losingmytouch

Dianne My Hero

Diane went to see Rick again. I went over... with Rosie this time...  as back up...  to look after the children while she went to see him. She took the older ones out of school for the afternoon to see their Dad... hadn’t seen him for ages... while... we... looked after the twins. Actually... Rosie did everything... she was brilliant... a natural... had them all lined up with their rattles and toys... entertaining them. I was redundant... Emily adores the delightful and delectable Dinah and wants to do everything that she does. Zack just keeps himself amused while Hope... who is much smaller... sits in her bouncy chair... playing with a toy. Rosie is seven months pregnant and has three times the energy that I have... she’s a phenomenon.

 

Dianne returned on a high... said Rick was thrilled to see the kids... he was on great form...  

Attachment Parenting

Thank you to ClosetoyouMum08 for getting in touch and telling me about attachment parenting...  think I’m more in that club than the controlled crying club... not sure about the breastfeeding until Emily starts school!!??... think Neil would leave me... but...  at least I shouldn’t feel guilty about not leaving her at 8 months. There are more cultures in the world where the baby goes everywhere with Mum until they start walking than where Mum leaves Baby… So I’m not alone!

Straw Poll

Well... according to my readers... a small majority of you think I am pathetic and I need to “woman up” and get out and have some time with Neil - just the two of us. Not a lot of sympathy from some of you... thanks!! Neil gets all the sympathy! Not good for my relationship.

 

However... a sizeable minority of you think everyone’s different and why hurry these things... I’ll be able to leave her when she’s sixteen... or even sixteen months so why be worried about 8 months... I’ll do it in my own time...    

 

Romance is Dead

Couldn’t do it... I’m pathetic... Just not ready... got to half an hour before we were about to leave and I had to give Neil the sorry news... what’s wrong with me? Mothers leave their children every day... doesn’t mean they’re a bad mother... it’s me who has the problem... Neil looked forlorn when I told him... can’t blame him... I’m the loony toon... I wouldn’t have had been able to relax... guess there are no rule books here... 

 

Neil went out with Jude instead...  had a great time. They needed some persuading... but it was good for them... used to go out just them two all the time and haven’t done it for ages... abandoned the restaurant for Nando’s... and...  saw a different film from the one he had planned with me... think he enjoyed it more... all action and sci fi... made me feel better too... the selfish gene!!! 

Romance isn’t Dead

Neil and I are having a date night... tonight - going out for dinner and then to the cinema. He’s booked a table at this restaurant that he’s had his eye on for a while.... got a babysitter booked...  well...  don’t think you can call Jude a babysitter - he’s her brother... half brother to be precise...  Sounds stupid...  but...  I’m terrified... never left her before... Neil has been so excited all day...  singing to himself... the way he does when he’s in a good mood and looking forward to something...  and... then there’s me...  I keep looking at Emily and thinking... I can’t leave you... pathetic!... Most Mums can’t wait and certainly wouldn’t leave it to 8 months!!

 

I can’t let Neil down... or Jude for that matter... think he’s looking forward to spending some quality time with his baby sister... as well as having no other women around for a few hours...  

On the Go  

I CANNOT believe that Emily is 8 months already - I know it’s a cliche but it just flies by - one minute she’s a babe in arms...  and...  the next...  she’s there climbing up stairs... falling down stairs (only kidding) and I’m run ragged chasing her... can’t relax for a minute... she’s pulling on some wire... pulling out a plug socket...  pulling down a table cloth... pouring bleach down the toilet... drinking mugs of coffee... smokin’ a fag... no exaggerating here... but this mothering is different now. Everything is out of the way now... either packed away or high up and out of reach... thank God we don’t have stairs. 

Stars in their Eyes

We’ve all joined a baby singing group... Dianne asked us whether we fancied doing it... a childminder friend of her’s has started it so we’re all lending her support... all of us except Vicky... but Ben is... even Rosie’s doing this one... for now... and Jasmin and the Princess Amber...  Oh... and I asked Jenny if she wanted to come and she jumped at the idea... hope she doesn’t find us all a bit much.

 

Hilarious! The only person doing any singing is this woman... Janet... and we try to join in... if we’re not busy retrieving our babies from the stage... or the toilets... or halfway out the door...
The Wheels on the bus go round and round... there goes Sonny... about to fall off the stage... round and round... Zack has just pushed Emily over... round and round... the wheels on the bus go round and round... not altogether now... oh dear... Dinah has just pulled Amber’s hair... all day long... The Mummies on the Bus go Oh My God, Oh My God, Oh My God... The Mummies on the Bus go... what the hell is he doing now?... all day long!!!

 

We should film it... put it on YouTube... we’d be millionaires... there is this one gorgeous guy... all of us spotted him... well... he does stand out, as he’s the only man... Richard... he’s got the only child who is doing what he is supposed to be (except Hope of course)... she just sits on his knee looking totally gorgeous and making him look even more attractive... there is something about a lone man being in the company of women...  which...  makes him very attractive... do you know... the woman who was flirting the most with him was Dianne... I guess she was sitting there with Hope... while we chased after Zack... glad he took her mind off Rick... wonder what his wife is like... saw that he was wearing a wedding ring... 

 

As we were into our third verse of the Wheels on the Bus, Roanna and I caught each other’s eye as we were about to set off after our babies yet again... forget the jogging...  and...  we started laughing... couldn’t stop... Dianne joined in and then Jasmin... all laughing hysterically... so funny... what the hell are we doing at a music group for seven month old babies in a church hall on a Wednesday morning??... when...  our babies do not know how to walk or talk, never mind dancing and singing... they’re seven months old for Christ’s sake... and then... it happened... I could feel the leaking... God... the pelvic floor... feels like the beginning of the end... or just the beginning...  

Down but not Out

Loads of you have had depression... maybe writing this blog has helped me because it has allowed me to share with different women and express myself... women need to communicate... but some of you have plummeted to the darkest depths and yet others have discovered new heights of joy and contentment that you thought impossible to reach... that roller coaster again of childbirth again... apparently the older you are and the more successful you are... the more likely you are to suffer from it. These young mums seem to take having children in their stride... don’t give it a moment’s thought...  but...  these geriatric Mums in their 30’s and 40’s (like me) over analyse and think about everything too deeply... some people think that’s the reason for them having more complications at birth... demanding to see the manager if their birth isn’t going to plan... too used to analysing and thinking in their jobs and trying to treat childbirth like a project when in fact it’s just a natural process... like going to the loo... enough said...  

Never judge the book

Sorry!... I’m getting you all worried again... I’m fine... promise... there’s just been a lot to think about... that’s all.

 I went to baby clinic last week and can you remember the woman who annoyed the hell out of me? The mother of Jaspar/Caspar/ Freaky Baby who put on a pound every week? Well, she has a name... lets call her Jenny (names changed to protect the innocent and those who might want to keep their private life private)...  and... we got talking... well talking wouldn’t be what it was a lot of the time... because... there were a lot of tears...  waterfalls of tears... there’s me thinking that she’s living the perfect life and she’s got it all sorted... has the answer for everything... literally... and she’s depressed... more than a little depressed... she’s had big periods in hospital since having Jaspar/Caspar with severe post natal depression. God... It sounds awful... we’re not talking a bit of the baby blues here but depression when you can hardly speak, and can’t see anyone and don’t even want to know your own baby. I didn’t realise, but the man who sometimes comes to baby clinic is her husband... he brings the baby when she’s in hospital... there’s me being delighted when she wasn’t there... that’s so bad...  I am a terrible person... a real cow. She’s a partner in a Law firm... no history of depression... 

 How can I have been such a cow? We’re so lucky... my little group... none of us has had post natal depression... apparently it’s about 30% of women who suffer from it... so statistically we’re fortunate to have escaped. 

Me?… 

God, it’s hard some times... it’s not Emily... that’s the easy bit... it’s dealing with yourself that’s hard... having a baby changes everything about you fundamentally... and all that you once you thought you wanted changes... what am I going to do with the rest of my life?... have another baby?... go back to work?... stay with Neil for the rest of my life?

PS Emily is crawling everywhere... she loves being on the move... suddenly... nowhere is out of bounds...  

On the Move

Hey!! Emily crawled for the first time today... just when we weren’t looking... Neil and I thought she was sitting on her playmat batting her toy...  we were unloading the dishwasher... the most mundane of tasks when we look up and there she is... and...  she has crawled towards us... all by herself. Neil is so funny... he runs for his camera and picks her up and places her back on her playmat and waits... poised... for her to crawl again... shouting words of encouragement... and... Do you think it happens? No! She’s definitely not one for playing to the gallery... it might happen again... but when Emily is ready...  knocked that one on the head...  

No Worries!

I shouldn’t have worried... Jasmin’s been in touch... after reading the blog... silly me... she’s absolutely fine... she was just visiting someone... ... it’s good to know that there’s people out there who care about you... another word for nosy cow!! 

Hospital

Went to St Catherine’s today with Rosie... ok... I might as well tell you all... because...  I want to write about it so much...  and... I’ve been avoiding the subject... plus... Rosie has given me her blessing...  yes... the worst kept secret... she is 6 months pregnant... can’t believe that it’s taken me so long to mention it, but I guess it’s none of my business writing about it... but...  now Rosie is cool and has got used to the idea... more than that... she and Jude can’t wait. She asked me to go to the hospital with her because they wanted to see her for a scan... she’s fine... just routine... and Jude had an exam today... crazy... isn’t it...  When I was pregnant with Emily, it was one of my nightmares...  that...  I’d be sitting in the clinic and then one of my pupils from school came in and said, “Hi Miss Hall”, and we’d both be sitting there, me having my first when I’m old enough to be a grandma in their eyes. Here I am now... sitting with Rosie...  and...  they always have to ask me, “Are you Grandma?” and both Rosie and I... for very different reasons... shout...  “No, just a friend” at the same time. Thank God, it was Geraldine who dealt with us today...  so... didn’t have to explain anything. It was funny sitting there with Rosie, being back there again... I’m definitely not ready to go through that again... she’s doing brilliantly though... confident... self-assured... a brilliant Mum... with so much to deal with:... living with her Mother-in-law; boyfriend in the middle of exams; Dad seriously ill in hospital; Mum passed away; all her friends are still at school with very little in common any more... and taking everything in her stride... one amazing woman!

 

I promised Rosie that we’d go for a coffee afterwards and I’d buy her cake... carrot; chocolate; coffee; cream...  all of them... and... do you know what... I’m sure I saw Jasmin walking into the clinic as we were walking out... I could have been mistaken but I’m sure it was her... she was with Dev too... she didn’t see me... looked in my direction...  and... I smiled but she looked straight through me... can’t have been her then... sure it was though... 

 

... Hope she’s ok...  

 Candid Camera

Neil is determined to get her first attempt at crawling on film... talk about me slowing it down... he’s doing his best to speed it up... every night when he gets in from work... he gets the camera... and...  gets poor little Emily into the crawling position and then tells her to ‘go’... and... then she collapses and then he starts again... she’s certainly not dancing to his tune... good girl... she’s learning that lesson early in life... do things in your own time...  

Reaching Out

Emily is so desperate to crawl... she’s really reaching for things and keeps putting her hands out... and...  then trying to get into a crawling position and then collapses in a heap... it’s really quite funny to watch... ends up looking like a beached whale... not sure that I want her to crawl yet... but... it’s one of those steps in life that I’m going to have to let her do... like hurting herself for the first time... going to school... meeting someone who’s horrible to her... having her first kiss... ok... I’m getting carried away... she’s about to crawl for God’s sake... it’s no big deal... I’m being ridiculous... really??? 

Smitten Kitten

I know I am biased, but Emily is just so beautiful... I can’t help staring at her...  and...  thinking... how clever am I... I made her... well... Neil helped as well... but... it’s incredible... I’ve never done anything very clever in my life... and... then... look at this...  

Friends

Roanna, Jasmin and I took Dianne out for lunch today. They’ve been reading the blog...  Jasmin arranged it and asked Dianne. Roanna and I met as usual for our run and then Dianne and Jasmin met us at the cafe later with Dianne’s brood and Jasmin’s princess. Dianne found us hilarious jogging with prams... she says she always wonders what sort of Mums do that sort of thing... and...  HOW DO THEY find the time... now she knows!!! 

Dianne had us in stitches... telling us about this prison warden who couldn’t understand her Yorkshire accent... sounds hilarious... and... then it happened again... I looked at Roanna and she looked at Jasmin and the leaking is still there... makes you laugh even more... so much for our pelvic floors and running... Dianne asked us what we were laughing about... so we told her...  and... do you know... she doesn’t have a problem... she put it down to... housework!!!!... Forget that!!!! 

Roanna is finding the house that she is renting with Simon... small and damp... think it’s a bit different to what she’s used to... compared to either her old marital palace or her in-laws’ castle... at least she doesn’t have her in-laws with her... that’s the main reason she’s staying there. 

I was filling them in about Vicky finding it hard returning to work. Strange her being at work, while, Big, bouncing Ben is there staring at you surrounded by his friends in various stages of playfulness or sleep.
Very different women... very different situations... all new mothers... all good friends...  

Funny... Jasmin was very quiet... not like her... not much news there...  

From Prison With Love!

Wow! This is amazing! Actually... it’s absolutely freaking me out! I have loads of...  (well some)...  readers in prison and some of you have taken the time to get in touch and tell me your stories... well... I guess that time is not a problem you generally have... but then like so many things that I’ve written about with this blog... I could be very wrong. That’s what I love about writing this blog... is that I learn new things all the time. 

 

You’ve got such fascinating stories... and... so many of you have young children... who... you miss desperately. God... it must be heartbreaking. It seems to be that crime is not a thing that you suddenly wake up one morning and decide to do... but... it’s gradual... something that’s been slowly creeping up on you since you were kids and getting more and more serious...  and...  getting you more and more involved with the police... a lot of you have had such tough upbringings... it’s like some of the kids at school... you can see it happening before your eyes and you feel helpless to be able to do anything about it... OMG... feel as though I’m back at work... this blog is giving me so many ideas of other things I can do with my life... social anthropology... prison outreach... yummy mummy keep fit manuals... maybe not!! 

 

I guess that sometimes prison gives you a chance to have a breather from it all... and have a think... bit like having a baby...  

Thank you Blog and thank you to all my readers... does that sound cheesy? 

Thought for the Day

Should you be sent to prison if you’re a parent?... Actually... I will change it to... should you be sent to prison if you’re a mother with young kids... I guess there are lots of Dads in prison... maybe you could have a lighter sentence if you’re a father. I guess they could have parenting classes in prison about how to be a good Dad... captive audience...  if you’ll pardon the pun... simple...  if you can’t do the time don’t do the crime.... and so endeth the lecture by the Rt Hon MP for South WhatHoHingHam! 

 

Reality Check (continued)

Still knackered... where was I?... been helping Dianne... her Rick is still in prison and they just move him from one prison to another without any consideration of how inconvenient it is for his family... or... without hardly any notice... can you believe it... one day he’s in a prison within half an hour’s drive and the next they’ve moved him to a prison in Manchester!.. say it won’t be for very long... just a temporary move... but come on, he’s got a wife and four kids!! Dianne asked if I could go over and help with her kids while she went over to see him... just do the day stuff like... (gulp)...  pick the older ones up from school, look after the twins... she managed to get rid of...  (not literally)...  the other ones that she looks after!!!! But that makes FOUR children!!!???... Could hardly say no... It’s not as though I have a million and one other things to do...  

 

I am knackered... can’t move... feel as though I’ve done a whole week’s work... how does she do it? She is AMAZING... a real life SUPERWOMAN! Those older kids ran rings round me... the babies were sort of ok...  at least they’re kind of similar to Emily and they JUST need to be fed, watered, changed and put down to sleep... it’s the coordination that’s the hard bit... BUT the big ones... I only had to look after them a few hours before Dianne’s Mum Jean came...  but... I let them do whatever they wanted... just to give me a break... sweets, PlayStation, crisps, PlayStation, pop, PlayStation... how does she do it? 

 

At least Dianne got to see Rick... she said he was ok but he misses the kids and he hates it in there... glad she saw him... hopefully he’ll be back in Leeds soon... God... it must be so hard for her... we have no idea. 

 

Reality Check

Spent the last few days helping out my friend Dianne... Knackered!... Sorry have to continue tomorrow... YAWN... YAWN... Good night! 

Cappuccino and Cake

Mums on the Run again today... just Roanna and I... Jasmin has stopped coming... hasn’t come back since the first time we went when she didn’t feel well... says she doesn’t fancy it... each to their own...  We love it. Tracy the leader still has to run with us...  because...  if she doesn’t, we talk so much that we get left behind and suddenly we find ourselves losing the others... you’d think it would be pretty difficult to lose 27 jogging Mums in pink lycra... but... believe you and me...  it isn’t. Looks hilarious... you pass all these people standing, gawping and sniggering behind their hands at you... who cares... we’re having fun. Best part is still the cake and cappuccino at the end... I’m up to burning 156 calories now and eating 575 calories of cake and coffee... Not a bad ratio!! 

Back to Work

Almost forgot...  Vicky’s gone back to work... Geraldine’s delighted...  but...  it must be hard... it IS hard. Dianne is looking after Ben for some of the time... and her Mum is helping out... needs must...  but...  when she was describing leaving Ben every morning... she was almost crying... so glad I don’t have to go back to work just yet... 

Pizza Passionista

What a special evening... you’ll never guess who else was there celebrating a half year birthday... Vicky and Big Bouncing Ben... she was there with Geraldine... we decided to get a table together... not the intimate, little, family gathering that Neil had in mind...  but...  it was good fun. Geraldine had made a cake... with six half candles... and the restaurant gave us balloons for the birthday babies... I looked at Neil... and thought... this is happiness... for a moment I thought my libido had returned...  but...  alas... no such luck... for Neil that is!... Me?... Give me chocolate instead!!! 

Where does the time go?

My little Treasure Pie is six months old today... OMG can’t believe it!... Where’s it gone?... Blink and you’ll miss it!... So glad I’m not back at work... there’s no way I could have left her now... we’re going out tonight... en famille... to celebrate her half year birthday... there’s this new pizza place opened up the road... can’t wait!! 

At six months I feel I should write about what Emily’s doing now... well... she’s still on the 75 centile at a whopping 17lbs and 10ozs... think most of it is on her thighs... like Mummy... but it looks so good on her that you could eat her...  gorgeous, chubby thighs... and I forgot to tell you...  she’s sitting up now... loves sitting up and jabbering away... no teeth yet (thank goodness)... she’s very smily and to be honest up until now... very bald... but she’s just getting these beautiful little curls coming through... I think she might be a gin-ger... like me... Bald, fat and ginger... BEAUTIFUL... just the way I like ‘em. 

Oh yes... daren’t mention this after all the fuss last time... I’ve decided that I’m still not going to wean her yet... going to wait a bit longer... she’s more or less breast feeding on demand... my milk flow has increased... and she’s happy... so am I... keeping her as close to me as possible for as long as possible...  

Ok!... I’ve told you now... # No Drama!

Glamping Camping! 

Sorry I've not to have been in touch for a few weeks.... We are Glamping in the  Highlands, Glamping is like posh Camping!  I put my foot down after last time... I said it was impossible to camp with a baby. At least we've got a toilet and a shower here! ....But hardly any internet, hence the radio silence. Diane said she might come and join us for a couple of days but I can't see that happening, it's one hell of a way to drive with two kids in the back and twins. I don't know how she does it, it takes all my time to look after Emily.

We are going out for a 'long walk' this afternoon...Neil just plonks Emily in the harness and we walk for about 2 1/2 hours. He really loves it.... I get a bit bored, but it's nice to be in the fresh air and we do stop for a pub lunch... I'm still feeding Emily so it can be a bit tricky sometimes, if there is any funny looking blokes in the pub... I have a big scarf which  usually helps. To be honest I sometimes think, I'd rather be at home with all my comforts rather than be in this glorified tent... I'm meeting up with Roanna though next week, so I've got that to look forward to. I'll get the low down on Simon's mum.... Simon had to tell her to stop turning up at the cottage everyday. I'd love it if Neil's mum came round to help but she's got five other grandchildren and has a busy life. 

I'll be in touch as soon as I'm back! 

Better go!  Neil is shouting "Did you remember to pack my waterproof trousers"... And I didn't!!! I hope he doesn't think I'm going out for a 2 mile walk in the rain!!! 

Who reads this Blog?

OMG!... How can I be so stupid?... I didn’t think...  Do you think anyone at school reads this blog?... Rosie did... that’s how I got to know her... I’m dead... past tense...  if they do... I’m this woman who talks about sex (or lack of it) and tits and arses... and... of course...  Mrs Somersby... my favourite colleague... she’s a lovely woman... really kind... the children all love her... promise... OMG... I’m going to be hauled before the head when I go back! 

Nightmares! 

Thinking about work has given me nightmares! I woke up - not my usual two times in the night... but an extra three... in a cold sweat... I walked into the staffroom carrying Emily... and...  everyone turns round to look at me... it’s in the middle of break...  and... I trip up over this pile of books that some stupid person has left in the middle of the floor and Emily goes flying through the air and lands on Mrs Somersby’s lap - the head of History - she’s scary... a real life witch...  Everyone turns round and looks at me with one thought going through their head... the worst thought in the world... BAD MOTHER!! 

To Work or Not to Work?

That is the question... the million dollar question!!... When’s the right time to go back to work? Did you know that in Sweden, parents are entitled to 480 days of paid parental leave?...  That’s like a year and a half... In the great US of A they get all of six weeks... and that’s if they’re lucky.... How’s that possible? Two of the richest countries in the world... and... yet they're so different? I know which country I’d rather be living in right now... I read in the paper about this high flying executive woman who’s 51... she’s just gone on maternity leave...  returning to work after three months... the stock exchange is panicking about her absence because they think the company won’t manage without her... only some poor little business... like Marks and Spencers... tiny really... the pressure!... Don’t think I’m in that position... Thank God!... It’s bad enough having to decide when to go back without thinking that some pension fund is going to collapse without you...  Thankfully I don’t have to think about it for a few more months yet! 

Bugger boo Champions! 

We did it!!... We rule!... Kept going for a mile and a half... like three naughty schoolgirls at the back of the cross country...  lagging behind... but we did it... Felt so proud of ourselves... Paula Radcliffe eat your heart out!!... I bet she doesn’t have a big piece of chocolate fudge cake and a cappuccino when she’s run one and a half miles... but I tell you what... it tasted good... best piece of cake I’ve ever had...  

Hope Jasmin is ok... she looked a bit green at the end of the run and then I bought her a piece of carrot cake... it’s her favourite... she couldn’t eat it... Oh well! I hate to see waste (or my waist), so I ate it for her... it’s not like her...  Not bad eh?...  According to Tracy our running instructor, I burnt 125 calories doing the run today... and then ate 1086 calories of cake!! I think I deserved it... I’m breastfeeding for God’s sake!! 

# Who’s Counting Anyway!

In the Groove

I met Roanna and Jasmin shopping today for running gear, because we have to look the part...  They’re both having second thoughts...  but...  when Jasmin tried on some of the gear, she changed her mind. She’s bought herself this very trendy little headband... she looks proper swag #down withthekidzzzz!!!!...  matches her running gear. She’s got a matching one for Princess Amber of course... like mother like daughter...  Roanna just looks sophisticated in whatever she wears - she is a natural Yummy Mummy...  It’s me that worries me!... gulp... Ladies and the tramp!! 

In the Club

I’ve signed us up...  Roanna, Jasmin and I are joining the Mums on the Run!! We might just get fit with it... might...  It’s not as bad as it sounds or looks. They meet at 10.30 at the Park gates... and...  run for a bit and then go for coffee and cake in the cafe... I suppose if all else fails, I could just join them for coffee and cake!!!! 

Pelvic Floor or Pelvic Wet Floor

Now... be honest... hands up!... how many of you have remembered to do your pelvic floor exercises? How many of you have sat there thinking tighten... hold... one, two, three, four... release... repeat!!... It’s just not your priority... right!! When you have a baby or are having a baby there are many more priorities that are... quite frankly... higher up the pecking order... like having the baby for one thing... or... maybe even... getting some sleep... or even... having a shower or washing your hair!!!! STOP WHATEVER IT IS THAT YOU ARE DOING NOW AND PRIORITISE NOW...  BECAUSE...  IT IS MY PRIORITY NOW... It’s moved to the top of the list... Why?... I’m incontinent at 36... just like Emily... not as cute though!! 

Why this sudden revelation?... I went for a walk with Roanna and Jasmin today and we were enjoying this lovely walk... pushing the buggies... at one with nature... watching the squirrels playing... when all of a sudden...  this cavalcade... yes, that’s the word for it... like the charge of the light brigade... and this procession... what’s the plural of yummy mummies... a pram of yummy mummies, an air kiss of yummy mummies... mwah !!... come jogging passed, pushing their posh prams and their designer push chairs and their juicy couture... I’ve never laughed so much in my life... never... Jasmin goes and joins them at the end... running after them...  impersonating them... sooo funny... and...  then we start laughing... and...  we can’t stop... and...  then we start pissing ourselves... literally... and... then that just makes it worse... we’re crying with laughter... leaking at both ends... how humiliating... bet those jogging women with their tight abs and tight arses don’t leak... oh well, if you can’t beat them... join them! 

All in the Genes!

Thank you DoctorMummy42 for letting me know... so knowledgeably...  that if Emily chews her toes...  it most likely means that Neil or I did it at the same age... so...  I’ve done my homework and guess what... you’re right... should’ve known that... you’re a doctor for God’s sake... apparently Neil had a toe fetish at the same age...  need to book that pedicure now... his Auntie told me... and...  she’s even sent me a picture of him doing it... Ahhh!... soooo cute...  it’s freaky how like Emily he was at five months!!... The years have been cruel!!! 

OMG! If Neil’s Auntie is reading this blog I better be careful what I write... so sorry...  if I’ve ever offended you by writing anything negative about your favourite nephew!... As if... ?????...  

Foot in Mouth

Don’t worry! I’m not talking about anyone you know and I’m not giving anyone’s secret away, but it seems that loads of people who had a baby at the same time that I had Emily are pregnant again!!...  How do they do it?... Yes, I know what you do... but... giving birth is enough to put you off sex for a life time... I can only just manage to look after the two of us, but the thought of going through morning sickness again...  and bad back... and not being able to sleep...  and weeing every ten minutes... it’s too much... There seem to be certain myths...  like you can’t get pregnant when you’re breast feeding... rubbish!... It takes a while for your baby bits to get back to working normally...rubbish!... Believe me... you can...  

.. And here endeth the lesson according to Kimberly H...  

Birthday Party

Such a special day - we all got together to celebrate the babies being five months old... when I say we, it was my group of Mums, my special, special Mums. We decided to meet in the park for a walk and then tea and cake in the cafe. All of us were there with our prams and our little gorgeous, coochie, cutie babies: Roanna with Sonny the Super Sleeper; Superwoman Dianne with Big Zack and Teeny, Tiny Hope who’s just a little doll; Vicky and Big, Bouncing Ben; Jasmin and the Princess Amber (like her Mum - beeaauutiful) and of course Rosie and the Delightful, Delectable Dinah. SOOOO good to see everyone. We talked and laughed... and...  laughed and talked...  and... then someone cried with happiness...  or... because something sad has happened and then we laughed and talked... and...  talked and laughed... and...  cried some more. 

Friends are so important... having babies is such an emotional roller coaster and it is friends that see you through it...  Without my friends I wouldn’t have survived this last few months. I’ve laughed and cried so much that I am an expert on the emotional roller coaster - wanna ride?? We have shared so much... each other’s joy and sorrow. It is what life is about... I see it now... so clearly. Our babies are so lucky...  because...  they already have everything they need in life... plus love... and... of course...  friends! 

# Happy Days! 

Fifty Two

Thank you WiseOldBird51 who contacted me to say that she had her baby at fifty one and she is now fifty two and feels fabulous and thinks that she has got it right... she’s had her career, is financially secure and doesn’t feel that she has anything more to prove except to be there for her child and offer her wisdom to her... maybe there isn’t one way of doing motherhood...  and... Good mothers come in all shapes and sizes... and... ages! 

When Emily is sixteen, I will be fifty two... gulp! 

Sixteen or Thirty Six? 

Thought for the Day!!... What is the best age to have a baby?... ever since I went away with Rosie and Jude, I can’t stop thinking about it...  I’m old enough to be Rosie’s Mum, so at thirty six I could also be Dinah’s grandmother and here I am feeling I’m not even old enough to be a Mum... just starting to feel grown up myself. Did you know that more babies are born to women in their thirties now, than to women in their twenties...  and...  we’re leaving it later and later to have babies...  and... yet your body is at its prime to have babies at sixteen... so they say... certainly feels like it to me!... Funny that... because in our society young Mums have such a hard time... Rosie’s brilliant... we could all learn something from her... When she’s thirty six she’ll be able to concentrate on her career...  and... still look good... What am I saying?... I work in education... It should be education, education, education... That is the snag I guess... because it’s so much harder to return to education when you’re older...  

That Woman Again

Baby clinic today - went to get Emily weighed... she’s maintaining her magnificent position on the 75th centile...  that’s my girl!! There is this woman who goes to Baby Clinic who irritates the hell out of me!!... We’re all there waiting to get our babies weighed and then want to get the hell out of there, but her...  who will not be named...  with little Caspar or Jaspar (not his real name) just talks at the top of her irritating voice about Jaspar this and Caspar that... as if she’s the only one in there...  Who cares if he’s put on another pound since last week... the Freak!...  Hope she doesn’t read this blog... who cares if she does! We ALL have lives TOO!! 

Wow! 

WOAH! You’ve all got such strong opinions on it... drinking and breastfeeding...  Some of you sound like my mother and think that a bit of gin, whisky, vodka, brandy (you name it) is good for both Mother and Baby and suggest your favourite tipple (No Joanglamgran87, I will not be dipping my nipple in brandy)...  and...  at the other extreme...  some of you think you should be “teA”-total while you’re breastfeeding and that drinking alcohol is positively corrupting your poor, innocent child with the evils of the bottle!!!

Costa del Whitby! 

Do you know that Emily has had her best few night’s sleep since we went away - must be the sea air!! She’s managed a couple of nights of six hours without waking - a minor miracle for Little Miss Every Four Hours!!... Again last night... six hours... I think it’s also the example set by Dinah the Delightful and the Delectable... She’s amazing... sleeps through the night and I don’t think that Rosie has even heard of controlled crying never mind tried it... Both she and Jude are natural parents... and they’ve got the energy for it!!... Not like Neil and me - the old cronies!! 

We arrived... not early afternoon as planned...  more like afternoon tea time... and thank God, the weather was good and it didn’t rain... but Neil told Rosie and I to go and take the babies off for a walk in their prams... so we did...  and...  when we got back an hour or so later... the tents were up and they’d started cooking... Father and Son had a right routine going (that word again)... seasoned campers they are...  and Neil opened a bottle of wine (I didn’t have any… still breast feeding!)… and we put the babies in their bouncy chairs and we had fantastic food with the most unbelievably awesome sea view. Bliss! 

Wish You Were There!

We rule!...  It was fab!...  Just so great to get away from it all - the usual routines (know I’ve just got into a very imperfect one...  I hear you all say) but you know what I mean!!... Will tell you more tomorrow... I’m still standing...  but knackered!...  

Kitchen Sink Packed! 

Just in case you don’t hear from me again... I’m packed... Hooray!... Neil was responsible for the camping equipment and me for Emily... think Emily wins in the weight department if we were getting weighed at check in!! We’d be over... in excess baggage!!! Probably need a separate plane...  Setting off at 10am in the morning... that’s the plan at least... HAHAHA!... AAHH!!... I better remember to pack some clean knickers for me... a plastic bag for me and the rest for Emily... Who’s bright idea was this? 

Love you all! XXX

Got the Kitchen Sink!

I’m knackered...  and we haven’t even set off yet... Why is it that you are just starting to get something right... after it’s taken you four frigging months and then someone ratchets up the ante and you feel you’ve gone from second to sixth gear in the blink of a baby’s nappy... We must be mad... stark raving bonkers... I’m sitting here having a break from packing for a few minutes while Emily is asleep to write this and I am surrounded... knee deep...  in... clobber... a mile high pile of baby grows… Not to mention the nappies... God!... I can’t do it!... I’m having anxiety attacks... pull yourself together girl... what can possibly go wrong on a camping holiday for two nights with five grown-ups (that’s if Rosie and Jude count as grown-ups - oh yes, they’re 16 now but can’t vote or drink legally) and two babies!!!!!... Oh My God!!!! 

Baby-friendly-Camping

God you’re all so adventurous... I feel like the only one who hasn’t been away with their baby on: long haul flights; Caribbean cruises; city breaks; posh hotels; Paris to Dakar Rally; Tour de France!... That’s it we’re going. There’s supposed to be this really baby friendly camp site at Whitby... Neil’s been there before... loads of times with Jude... it’s’ what they used to do together... all these things that I don’t know about him... at least he’s got all the tackle... in more ways than one!!!...  Hope it’s in full working order... no leaks... if it buckets it down!!! Some people have even been known to enjoy camping... Haven’t they??? 

Steady On

Neil has suggested that we go away together - not just the three of us but with Rosie and Jude and Dinah for the weekend... this next weekend!!!! Apparently Rosie and Jude have been camping before... with Jude’s Mum... news to me... and they all had a great time... Me?... I’m not so sure... Emily’s just getting into some sort of a routine... and frankly the idea of sharing a tent with two teenagers, two babies and Neil is not my idea of fun... I’m thinking Yummy Mummy Spa day instead... what do you think?... Neil is reading my mind and has just walked in to say that Rosie, Jude and Dinah will be in a separate tent!... Suppose it makes a difference...  

To Wean or Not to Wean!

Wow!... Thought the sex was controversial... nothing compared to the weaning at 4 months or 6 months!... I’ve been inundated with your opinions and views on the matter. I can’t believe there is such strong feeling about it. I also looked at what’s out there on the internet and I wish I hadn’t. One Baby Bible said I should wait, but other Baby Bibles say to feed!... 

Seriously though... thank you for all your support... it’s great to know that: a) I’m not the only one going through this; b) it’s not going to last forever and c) there is help at hand. Thank you for all your advice… I can’t imagine not breast-feeding Emily… not yet!!

Hungry Bird

Emily seems to have been crying for a whole week now... longer... nothing I do seems to satisfy her any more... I took her to see the GP and he said it was normal... hate it when they say that... she’s just hungry and trying to increase my milk supply...  So I ring Vicky, a midwife friend, and she says there’s nothing wrong with her... she’s just hungry. Neil’s Mum keeps telling me to put her on solids... give her a bit of proper food... she says... give her a rusk...  she says... Neil was on solids at the same age... SHE SAYS!!... So I asked Vicky…Vicky and the doctor were having none of it... I need to wait until she’s six months before she can go on solids because it will spoil her guts... God! It’s a wonder any of us are still alive... all the things our mothers put us through which is now so harmful... nuts, cheese, fish, smoking, alcohol... no, don’t think Neil’s Mum smoked but she did say she had a few drinks when she was pregnant... and of course... the deadly killer... solids!!! 

My tits can’t survive another two months of this or my sanity... I’m going mad!... Help! 

Foot in Mouth

Don’t worry! I’m not talking about anyone you know and I’m not giving anyone’s secret away, but it seems that loads of people who had a baby at the same time that I had Emily are pregnant again!!...  How do they do it?... Yes, I know what you do... but... giving birth is enough to put you off sex for a life time... I can only just manage to look after the two of us, but the thought of going through morning sickness again...  and bad back... and not being able to sleep...  and weeing every ten minutes... it’s too much... There seem to be certain myths...  like you can’t get pregnant when you’re breast feeding... rubbish!... It takes a while for your baby bits to get back to working normally...rubbish!... Believe me... you can...  

... And here endeth the lesson according to Kimberly H...  

Pregnancy!

Ever heard of the birds and the bees?... Does anyone teach sex education these days?... Yes we’re back on the sex theme... with good reason...  not only am I the only one not having sex, I seem to be the only one not getting pregnant again! 

Rollover Jackpot

OMG! I could not believe it. I went into Emily’s room this morning and you’ll never guess - she’d rolled over in her cot. She freaked me out! The days of me putting her down in one position and then her staying in that position are over... consulted a Baby Bible and sure enough a few babies can roll over at three months...  she’s now a genius at rolling over as well as laughing... She can push herself up with her hands and then she must somehow turn herself over... the days of me putting her on the table... the kitchen counter... the sofa... the bed... the car roof...  (Only kidding)...  are over... otherwise I’ll have social services around... bye bye putting her on the bed while I dry my hair... I know it’s progress and a genius thing to do... but I find it quite sad as well... We’ve entered a new stage! 

Told You - NO MORE

I’ve given this blog a break for a few days so you all calm down with your sex obsession... NO MORE!!! 

50 Shades of No Thank You

Stop sending sex stories!... Sizzling, saucy, steamy, sex stories must stop... now!...  No more... I’ll be getting myself a reputation... I have to go back to work in a school for God’s sake... this is a baby blog not a sex blog!...  if it were it would be very boring... because I am having none of it... and I’m quite happy... not miserable...  as some of you seem to think... enough... Finito! 

Sex Fiends

Whoah!... It’s me... I’m the freak!... You’re all having sex and loads of it... can’t get enough of it... this baby business makes you all want it even more and by the sounds of it your partners find you as sexy as ever... more sexy... well I still prefer a cup of tea!!! 

#Bornagainvirgin! 

The United Nations

Papua New Guinea, Mozambique, Namibia, Texas, Argentina, Fiji, Alaska, Orkney and Scunthorpe... these are just a few of the exotic places where my readers come from... Thank you to Maria of Fiji who contacted me to tell me of the customs of one of the Pacific Islands...  not Fiji, I hasten to add...  where when you have a baby, you basically hand it over to your mother in law to bring it up for you so you can continue looking after her son and seeing to his needs... if you get what I mean... in the Biblical sense... everyone has been basically brought up by their mother in law...  different... think that when Emily is a bit older I’m going to go and study Social Anthropology... and then visit some of these places... here it’s the opposite... I think most people stop having sex altogether when they have a baby... a cup of tea is a much more preferable proposition...

My new Family

Roanna was telling me that she is finally moving out of her in-laws’ house - well they’re not married, but you know what I mean and they’ve found a place of their own... she can’t wait... I don’t blame her, but I do sometimes wonder what it would be like to be living with your in-laws or parents for that matter and how different life would be. In some cultures it’s the norm for the woman to move into the man’s parents home... there would always be someone to help with the baby and the washing and to babysit... my life would be so different...  here I am doing everything for my baby and getting support from people I’ve never even met, on a blog, that is being read in Australia and in Zambia and in Alaska and in Zanzibar... someone even contacted me from Astana... bet you don’t know where that is... I didn’t know either... apparently it’s the capital of Kazakhstan... her husband works in the oil industry there and she reads my blog and loves it... My new family... my new support network... any thoughts?...  Is it better than a mother in law telling you what to do? 

Thank you but No thank you

To put it ever so politely... can you please stop sending me video clips of your babies farting noises... no more... no thank you!...  

Princess and the Frog

Talking about squealing and gurgling, Roanna popped over today with Emily’s boyfriend, Sonny the Super Sleeper, and we put them together in their bouncy chairs and there Emily was with these little girly giggles and squeals and then Sonny has this deep, frog like croak... such a man...  giggle... croak...  squeal...  croak... it was so funny... Roanna and I were in stitches... then all of a sudden Sonny’s nappy fills up and he even does that loudly with this huge trombone noise and Emily decided she is going to fill her nappy with this tiny, barely a fart noise...  a little whimper of a fart...  a piccolo fart compared to Sonny’s trombone...  this gender thing is so fascinating and funny at the same time... we should see if we can put a brass band together! 

Giggles and Gurgles

Babies are the best!... I can watch them all day long... 3 months has to be the best age ever... I just want to bottle this age and make it last for ever... every day, she changes so much and you feel that you can’t take your eyes off her for a second or you will miss something. When Neil or I go up to her now she hears our voices and giggles away... she’s even started to do this squeal which is so cute... she’s such a girl! 

Sleeping Emily

Can’t say I didn’t try... I tried it... lasted 1 minute and 27 seconds to be precise before I gave in and picked my baby up and attached her to my boob... and I don’t think she’s stopped feeding since... don’t think she dares to let go... I’m seeing stars, I’m that knackered... Rubbish! 

Sleeping Sonny

Had the perfect day with Roanna, a Mummy friend of mine, and her gorgeous baby boy, Sonny, today... You’re right... those of you out there who say that babies can sleep through... because Sonny is!... I feel very inadequate...  and...  this is nothing against my friend...  because I love her dearly and every mother has her own way of doing things...  and... clearly it works because he is a very happy, little boy but she says the trick is to let them cry to sleep... It’s called controlled crying... That’s how you do it... She’s very organised and has had children before and she gave me this book where the writer tells you to go into the room when your baby’s crying and tell them to go to sleep and then go back ten minutes later until eventually they fall asleep and learn that you’re not going to feed them every time they cry... I couldn’t do that... Who does that?... I know, I know... loads of you do...  and there’s nothing wrong with it... but to me it doesn’t seem right... don’t get cross with me and I don’t want to start some big argument here, but it’s not for me... or Emily...  

Then again... if it means getting a good night’s sleep... she is about to be three months old... the attachment is already there... what harm can it do?...  

No Change

I wish I could lie and say yes, the sleeping has got much better, but sadly it hasn’t... A few of you have been asking me if she’s sleeping through because I’m sounding much chirpier... let’s face it... from where I was a month ago, it couldn’t have got much worse so the only way was up!...  Think I’m just getting used to it!... Emily sleeps, I sleep... Emily is awake, I’m awake... I’m much better at getting my naps now and not fighting it any more... because that was a battle I was never going to win... if in doubt... sleep! 

Bourbons Busted

Got to the baby clinic on time today and Emily has put on another whole pound... what a superstar!... And Mummy has lost three pounds... what a superstar!... I had no leaky boobs this time and Emily even returned in the same outfit that she’d left the house in with no embarrassing pooh, vomit or wee along the way... I’m a superstar!
# Perfect Mummy! 

OMG! 

Rosie came over with Dinah and Jude today. We had such a lovely time and Dinah and Emily were so cute together. They’re both laughing and gurgling now and we put them on the rug together and they just laughed. They are going to be so sweet growing up. I tried to work out the relationship. Emily is like Dinah’s aunt...  Is that weird or what?...  Emily is actually younger! It was so special watching Neil with his son Jude, both of them making a fuss of their little baby girls... who would ever have imagined! You couldn’t make it up! 

OMG! You would never guess what their news is... promised I wouldn’t say anything... all I will say is that you couldn’t make that up either... even if you tried! 

A New Woman

I’ve definitely turned a corner, because I took Emily with me to the hairdressers this morning and I’ve had my hair cut...  first time in 3 months... Neil couldn’t believe it... He asked me three times if I was sure I didn’t want to leave Emily with him and I insisted that I’d take her with me... I haven’t managed to leave her with Neil yet...  or anyone else for that matter...  He is her father...
She was adorable and slept most of the time and when she woke up - cool as a cucumber - I picked her up, boob out and fed her, and then she went back to sleep... I totally rule!...  

# Yummy Mummy!  

Play Date

It was so good to get out of the house with Emily. My friend Dianne couldn’t believe that it was our first play date. She wanted me to come in the morning but I didn’t think I’d manage it so I opted to get to hers for 1 o’clock in the afternoon. As it was I was half an hour late and spent all morning getting ready. You’ll be glad to know that I’ve worked out how to have a bath now, but it still involves me putting Emily in her little bouncy chair as I lie in the bath talking to her and trying desperately to keep her occupied so she doesn’t start crying...  Pathetic!... I have noticed that she likes the sound of the hairdryer and sometimes even falls asleep. A real achievement is when I can get her to have a morning nap with me blowing the hairdryer... not your usual lullaby but if it works... who cares!

 

Dianne is awesome... and I mean TOTALLY AWESOME in a super woman type way. I want to be like her when I grow up. By the time I’ve got out of bed, she’s got her four kids up, dressed, fed and taken two of them to school. She’s even started looking after another child so she’s looking after five!!!! I can’t manage one tiny, teeny one!... plus...  she looks great... plus she can get both Zack and Hope in the car and fold up her double pram and put it in the boot before I’ve even got Emily into her car seat. She had to help me with the pram and I couldn’t bring myself to tell her that I hadn’t done it before and that Neil does it for me... spot the Princess!... We went for a walk in the park... pushing the prams... it was so nice... I felt like a real Mummy! Thank you Dianne!

Take Away

It’s official!... My friends are worrying about me!... don’t know if it is the fact that I sit on the sofa all day stuffing my face with chocolate bourbon biscuits or because I’m busy buying self help books about weight loss by women with made up pizza-sounding names!!... Maybe I should re-name Emily - Margherita or Siciliana or even Giardiniera? I’m definitely Sloppy Giuseppe!... 

Anyway... I’ve had more invitations for going out than I’ve had in the last two months... so I am going to meet up with my friend Dianne tomorrow... she’s got two older kids and twins and she’s on her own at the moment running her own business, so if anyone can give me a reality check, she can... 

 

It’s about time Emily and I got off the sofa... put the chocolate bourbons back in the cupboard and left my little baby bubble... bit scary though!! 

A New Chapter

This is the first day of my new regime to lose my baby weight!... I have been revolutionising my life... Here I was thinking that having a baby was life changing enough...  but it’s nothing compared to researching post baby fat busting books!...  Couldn’t decide between, “Shed that Baby Weight” by Christina La Giardiniera...  wonder what it’s like being named after a pizza! I bet she doesn’t eat too many of those...  Although the name might sound a little made up, the book title says it how it is...  direct and to the point... I like that.... The other book was“Hot to Trot Mama” by Eleanor Brook... (Not related to Kelly!) Definitely like that title!.. It says, “After having a baby its normal for every woman to feel depressed and overwhelmed by the responsibilities of looking after a new life, and every time you look at your bloated postpartum body, you feel disheartened and dejected. Eleanor knows exactly how you feel.” I bet she does! Not that I know what a postpartum body is, but I bet, after looking at her, she doesn’t know what a chocolate bourbon biscuit is either.... Anyway I bought them both and you heard it here first... I’ll keep you posted. 

Big Bertha

After waxing lyrical about our society’s preoccupation with weight and how mad it is, I went and weighed myself yesterday... OMG!... I’m not happy... I AM NOT HAPPY!!!... I’ve put on a whole stone since I weighed myself after giving birth... Breast feed they say, you’ll lose weight quicker... You’ll get your stomach back... well...  HA HAHAHAHAHA... That’s a lie!... You don’t see Victoria Beckham and Kate Middleton putting loads of weight on - they’ve got their figures back!...  But then I don’t suppose Victoria Beckham breastfed... she was too posh to push so she’d definitely be too posh to express!...  

Two Months Old

So what do you think? My little Treasure Pie is two months old today! I can’t quite believe it!... I have kept something alive for two whole months...  quite clearly I am a natural. Have you seen her in this picture? She’s just so cute... I could eat her...  you just want to pinch those little chubby cheeks...  not hard you understand...  just a little squeeezzzeee!... She’s such a little roly poly that even some of her 0-3 baby grows are not fitting her any more... she’s a whopping... wait for it... drum roll... 12 pounds and 1 ounce... She’s on the 75th centile for weight!... Woohoo!... I’m so proud... My daughter is officially fat... What happened there?... Wouldn’t it be fantastic if we had that attitude to fat all our lives... Fast forward twelve years and I’ll be self-flagellating if she’s fat... and what if I was celebrating me being on the on the 75th centile for weight... that makes me 14 stones and 6 ounces!!!... Nooooooo!...  We spend the first few months of our life desperately trying to put weight on and then the rest of our life desperately trying to get rid of it!!... The world’s gone mad!!... Baby clinic...  it’s like fat club in reverse! 

Baby Blues

Yes, I’m still here!...  I’m back...  Has anyone seen The Shining...  Well I feel like Johnny...  Ever so slightly mad...  Thanks for your messages of support and good wishes...  but I am fine...  HONEST ?!

It’s been a whole nine days since I last wrote on the blog...  a record...  and… you know...  I just had to stop for a while. I was soooo tired and just couldn’t think of anything to write and if I stopped for a second to pick up my laptop, I’d wake up two hours later to the sound of Emily screaming and me dribbling... not a pretty site!...  But... I’m back now... Here’s Johnny!

... It’s such a fab, cosy feeling to know that there’s so many of you out there reading this blog and caring about me... but you’ve been so sweet and I can’t thank you enough... Cue Tina... You’re simply the best! 

Sorry! 

Oops!...  Just read last night’s post... I am soOOOOOOO sorry...  hope you all appreciate my sense of humour (HAHAHAHAH) at 3 in the morning!!??...  I should just stop writing at night because I don’t think straight...  my brain has upped and left the building...  Sorry once again! Can you ever forgive me!...  

Lies! 

I don’t believe any of you...  I thought I had made myself clear...  No perfect baby stories. NOOOOOOOOO!...  I told you not to contact me if your baby sleeps through and there you go!...  Some of your babies were practically sleeping through in the womb...  That’s it...  they’ve just not woken up yet!!...  Then there’s the opposite extreme… Those with babies who still haven’t slept through and they’re 12 months...  3 years... 12 years!!! I don’t want to hear from you either!...  None of it makes me feel any better… and before I insult all of you and have no readers left, I’m going back to bed before my baby who has been up all night wakes up… Yet again!!! GOODNIGHT! 

Inverted Routines

Sshh!...  It’s 10 (in the morning) and Emily is finally asleep. I must’ve fed her five times in the night. This can’t be right - maybe she’s not getting enough...  Maybe it’s a growth spurt blah blah blah!...  God knows I’m producing enough!...  You hear of some babies sleeping through at this stage but I think people just say it and they don’t want to say what it’s really like. Mum told me that I was sleeping through at six weeks old but I think she’s just forgotten unless I was Wonder Baby. It’s called rose tinted spectacles!...   I think Specsavers hand them to you when you become a Grandma!...  Anyway we seem to have gotten into some kind of a routine...  Not the routine you read about in those lying, evil baby books… I hate myself for reading them, hanging on their every word...  Emily wakes up, I get up and feed her in the chair in the room, and then she falls asleep and then I fall asleep in the chair...  with her...  At some point she’ll do something to wake me up and remind me that she’s still in my arms, and then I put her back down in her cot and sneak back to bed and repeat...  and repeat and sneak and repeat and sneak...  and infinitum...

 

By the way if you have got a Wonder Baby out there who is sleeping through at six weeks old, I don’t want to know...  Not just yet anyway...  Thank you. 

Stop! 

Thank you for all your suggestions, but please stop...  Not that I’m not appreciative, it’s just that it makes me feel even more rubbish!... and frankly some of them make me feel a bit queezy...  You know who are!!!!!... 

Stuffed Olives

There is nothing in the cupboard to eat...  Except 18 tins of stuffed olives. Yuck!...  Revolting!...  How could I have eaten those things...  Don’t think the food bank would want them!...  Hardly your basics!

 How do you shop and cook and get things done?...  The house is a mess!...  I’m a mess! There I was managing a class full of jumping kids now I can’t even manage one...  I feel as if I have gone from the invasion of the body snatcher to the invasion of the mind snatcher...  feeling foggy headed and brain dead...  Poor Neil...  Any suggestions? 

Milk Maid

I RULE...  Better night’s sleep...  think I totaled a massive 6 hours...  spread over 12 but who’s counting. Will have to have a nap today at some point... when’s that six weeks coming - think my golden thread has vanished... Whoosh!...  Baby clinic?...  Got there...  Finally...  just before the end...  rushed in and Kirsty’s there weighing the babies. Forgot to mention that Emily had to do an explosive poo of course...  just as I’m walking out the door...  And I had to change both of us, so Emily was not wearing her super cute panda outfit...  instead she was wearing last night’s baby grow...  (Hangs head in shame!)...  Anyway she’s put on 5ozs since last being weighed - would have been 6 if she hadn’t poohed!!!...  So I’m there talking to some of the other Mums and it’s really nice to see them when one of them points to my breast and there’s this huge wet patch on my top - not talking small - it’s ginormous!! SoOOOOO embarrassing. It must have been there for ages. Kirsty quietly asks me if I’ve got any breast pads...  Leaking boobs, how sophisticated. Wasted milk too!...  It’s official… I’m a cow! 

Getting out of the House

I went to baby clinic this afternoon. God, it was hard work! It took me all morning to get ready...  I’m up half the night...  And not even a bucket of lava java can get me up on a morning...  After feeding her, I haven’t got any energy left to get myself up so I sit and stare into space!...  I still haven’t worked out how I get both Emily and me dressed at the same time. I needed a shower today...  because: a) the milk makes you stink...  b) I’ve got asylum hair and... c) I don’t want to face the yummy mummies at baby clinic looking like I can’t take care of myself!... So, I get in the shower when Emily pipes up and so with mummy guilt I get out soaking wet, shampoo dripping everywhere to feed her again. I try again and the same thing happens...  Can’t believe it!...  and to my ultimate shame I ring Neil to come home and rescue me... I NEED A SHOWER… Girl power - nil points... I should have just left her to scream but I couldn’t do that...  I shouldn’t be bothered about what I look like...  couldn’t do that either...  If there’s one thing you should look good for it’s baby clinic or a meeting with other Mums. If not they’ll all start talking and thinking you’re not managing...  which of course I’m not...  can’t keep my eyes open...  God, it’s knackering...  I’ll tell you about baby clinic tomorrow and maybe even getting out of the house!! What a palava!...  Good night! 

God Awful! 

An awful night’s sleep...  Knackered and spangle-eyed!...  Baby clinic tomorrow/today????..., Oh God it’s today!!!!... 

A Genius!